When You Were Young

So a few years ago, myself and one of my best friends, a gentleman named Craig Ford (aka the Welshman) wrote a guide for college kids, mainly how they should act, proper party etiquette, etc.

Re-reading it, there were a few observations: 1. We were spot on.  2.  We were quite angry young men.  I don’t even think that article/advice column should ever see the light of day, ha I’ll have to ask Craig if he agrees.  But it got me thinking, why didn’t people fill me in on adult life?  Not so much how to act, I think I got that part down, but more the weird things that happen as you get older?

WELL WAIT NO MORE!  Because I’m about to drop the knowledge on you under 30 year old people, this is primarily for the male crowd BUT females, you can read this as well, for the comedy, or the knowledge…maybe both?  So here it is, in all it’s glory…

THE THINGS I WISH PEOPLE TOLD ME WOULD HAPPEN WHEN I GOT OLD…AND STUFF

1. Seriously, this can’t be just me, but hair is really starting to grow in the damndest places.  I had to use a razor on my ear years ago when this started happening.  My friend told me her dad was growing a hair…ON HIS NOSE!  Is that what I have to look forward to in the upcoming future?  Is there a trimmer for that?  I got a nose trimmer, but an ABOVE THE NOSE TRIMMER?  Is that even real?  (Note to self, patent: Above the Nose Trimmer…call it the Nose Job… on second thought…)

Also my eyebrows are getting to be something fierce, if I didn’t do upkeep, I would look like a young Abe Vigoda.

2. Going out will be a chore.  Which I was kind of expecting, but not this bad.  Heather (my lovely fiance) and I had gone out Friday night, had dinner, a few drinks and went home.  Nice enough and it was a fantastic time, but just getting off the couch was THE WORST!  Not being able to watch Netflix or finish my book, just to go out and spend money on expensive food and evening out that food purchase with the alcohol I consumed made for an expensive night.  I could have spent that night finding out if Walt will ever beat Gus in this crazy drug game on Breaking Bad!

3. Speaking of going out, hangovers are so different now.  I heard the rumors of the dreaded 2 day hangover…and it’s real.  BUT, nobody told me about the random waking up at 6 in the morning, unable to go back to sleep, laying in bed crap.  Back in the day, I don’t think I even saw 8 am unless I was still up.  I can name a handful of my good friends (KJ, Dino, Panch) who can even still handle that.  These days I’m impressed if I make it til 1 AM.  Or even to the end of a Saturday  Night Live episode.

4. Bills.  They suck.  They really do.  It’s not just the usual: rent, student loans, car, gambling…it’s other random crap.  Also, in college I could somehow swing a grand over a few months and feel like Richie Rich.

Now as an adult, I obviously make more than that, but it seems like the more you make, the more you spend.  I’m also of the belief that life must be LIVED, to go out and experience everything you can.  With that being said, I spend money on concerts, comedy shows, random adventures, I have no idea how people with kids have any money.  Do they have any money?  Seriously, do you?!

5. Kids…not the kids my friends are making now, but any “kid” with an -ager at the end of their age to about 24-25.  You suck.  I always thought I’d be that cooler older person that would change with the times, and for the most part I think I’ve done okay, I even like Drake, but not to sound too old and crotchety, but YOLO?

Go to the mall and people watch sometime.  It’s a nice observance of personal communication being gone, and the phone being our new leader.  People may just suck now (how old did I sound with that statement!)  Also rock music and rap suck now.  Speaking of which……….read below.

6. Music.  For the most part music is still good, I find myself enjoying pop and alternative more than rock and rap now… because rock and rap really suck now.  Who is the top rock band in the country?  Is there a Nirvana?  A Metallica?  Is it Dragons that Imagine?  Name the best rapper under the age of 32.  Go for it.  Drake, maybe?  Nicki Minaj?  Then go and read those last two names and try not to get frustrated.  Answer to that question: Kendrick Lamar.  But everybody else…yikes.

7. My buddy, let’s just call him Karl Reasoner, brought up a great point.  Everything hurts.  And I associated that with maybe happening at the earliest in my late 40’s… but now?  I seriously hurt my back picking up my dog.  Random joints hurt, for no reason, then goes away, or as Karl brought up, we just get accustomed to the pain.  I’ll be walking like the Grandpa in Hey Arnold before I know it…hey, he looks familiar!  Abe?!?!  Vigoda!?!?!

8. Farts and poops are openly discussed a lot more than I’d care to admit these days.  Just an uncomfortable amount of discussion, it probably takes up half of my conversation at work…and in my private life…basically all the time.  Easily. Speaking of which, when you depart the world of unhealthy eating, which I recently have to some success…you will fart…and it’ll smell 10x worse than anything you have ever dreamed…and before I get too far, this ones for the ladies, but I hear you have some issues with pee sneezes…yet another reason I’m glad I’m a dude because I have no idea how that even happens.  I mean I get it…but… how?

9. If you are reading this and still enjoy a Busch Light and the aforementioned unhealthy eating…I applaud you, I still love that stuff as well…BUT, the dreaded has happened.  I like “good” beer.  I will gladly pay an extra dollar or two to try something different, but don’t worry, I still love my Coors Light…but have you tried that new IPA out of Colorado?  Or Buddha Beer?  Free promotion…but try all of these.

Food has also become different, less “bad” eating, more healthy stuff.  It’s nice, I do love stuffed crust pizza like none other or a random Big Mac, but have you had grilled chicken with asparagus lately?  It’s delicious…and it makes my farts smell worse, so…there’s that.

And before I forget…why do people take pictures of their food now?  Is there something I’m missing?  I’d rather just eat it and move on.  That’s what he said…

10. My memory, it’s just going to shit.  Literally.  I had the same conversation last week with, let’s say his name is Kyle Jensen, a good 3 times.  And thought it was groundbreaking and new each time.  If I didn’t write notes for myself or to do lists, I’d have no idea where my keys are…hell if I wasn’t engaged, I don’t think I’d remember to even leave the couch (thanks honey).  Stories are all combining together, people’s names are forgotten…it’s crazy, suddenly my Grandpa calling me 3 or 4 different names before it gets to mine which I guess makes sense!

Well that does it for this week, if you have any opinions on this matter, reply, text, email, whatever, this was definitely fun to write.  If there’s talk of food, farting or beer I’m obviously in.

Watch out for our upcoming blogs here.  Enlisted Brad Simons, Karl Reasoner should have another one coming up and I have a pretty fun one I’m working on.

Thanks for reading!

Jeff Kleeman