Fantasy Football

It’s that time of the year again, fantasy football season!  So if you’re an avid player of fantasy football, you no doubt read all of the “experts” opinions on players.  Matthew Berry comes to mind, now he may be a nice guy (doubt it) but he infuriates the hell out of me, because he is seemingly never right, but he gets paid to give us “expert” analysis.  How the hell does he get that cushy gig?  If you read his stuff you won’t think it’s rude when I say this, but it’s not like he’s handsome.

There is so much scrutiny in fantasy football.  Even our friend group has guys who look and analyze each team, because they are “better” at fantasy.  It’s crazy!  Hell our league even got report cards.  I got two C’s and a B.  Sounds like a hepatitis test.

So I thought why can’t I help out this year?  How about I give some expert analysis.  Why am I qualified you may ask?  Oh I don’t know why?  Here’s why!

• 11 years in the Big Boy league, South Dakota’s finest fantasy players
• in that 11 year span I have made the playoffs THREE TIMES!
• Out of those THREE TIMES!  I have made the championship TWICE!
• Out of those TWICE times I’ve made the championship, I have won ONCE!

Simple math people!  3 out of 11 times!  That’s all you need to know, here’s my trophy and my fantasy nemesis in the Kleasoner Bowl, Karl.  He was won twice, that is DOUBLE what I’ve won.  Even beating me in my first championship.

I also enlisted the help of one Kyle Eugene Kelly.  My nemesis in the Luck of the Irish Bowl (I just made that up!  I like it!)

He looks like Aaron Rodgers and is a favorite to win our league every year.  Here is me putting a coat on him, because that’s how he rolls.

Without further adieu, we now bring to you:

THE FANTASY FOOTBALL WHO TO DRAFT SPECTACULAR!!!!  2015 EDITION!

(these are of the opinions of the owner of the website and not based on actual facts, it’s for humor purposes, just in case people think I’m serious…I am not)

Quarterbacks:

Sam Bradford – Philadelphia Eagles

BIG NEWS!  Bradford is healthy!  Maybe!?  He had off-season surgery.  Turns out he had off-season surgery to remove an ingrown toenail on his right big toe, which doctors believe may be connected to his history of knee problems. With this change expect huge numbers for at least 1-2 games.  Before he gets an ingrown toenail on his left big toe and is out for the year.

What can you expect fort those 1-2 games though!?  Oh I don’t know, how about 30 touchdowns!!!  Draft him and reap the benefits.

Jameis Winston – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Crab legs?  He quit stealing those stinking crab legs!  Jameis is stealing a lot more now than crab legs, he has stolen our collective fantasy football hearts. Because now he’s in a Ponzi scheme.

That’s right!  Ponzi schemes = playbook success.  Expect Andrew Luck numbers without the actual team success!!!  F her right in the P Jameis!!!

Jay Cutler – Chicago Bears

Vaccines!?  Who needs stupid vaccines when you’re Jay freaking Cutler!?  Not his kids, that’s who!  And that’s why you can expect big numbers from him this year.  He will be stealing the health of his children and using it for his gain, putting up big numbers to Alshon Jeffery, Kevin White and the ghost of Curtis Conway.

He has also taken acting classes to not appear so dopey, he even learned to smile!  This should translate to a top 10 QB for the year, bringing his interceptions down from the 17-18 range to the 15-16 range.  Definite start!  Oh and this is his wife.

Fantasy MVP ladies and gentleman!  You’ll see!!!

Lauren Conrad – Free Agent

Oh snap!  We can’t forget about Kristin and Lauren’s food on Laguna Beach can we?!  Experts (me) predict a huge year for Lauren if/when she gets signed by a qb needy team (think Buffalo Bills).

With weapons in Percy Harvin, Sammy Watkins AND LeSean McCoy, you can expect a big year from Lauren Conrad if they were to sign her.  COME ON BUFFALO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Running Backs

Chris Johnson – Arizona Cardinals (this week)

Have you all heard that the Arizona Cardinals signed former good player Chris Johnson!?

Us too!!!  Pick him up, and here’s why.  He was shot!  And he lived!  First off, he’s like the NFL’s 50 Cent without the bankruptcy…and less bullets.

Second, bullets will give him super powers and help increase his 40 time.  He is now as fast as a speeding bullet, almost literally!

The only downgrade, sure he is fast, but if you can’t dodge a bullet, you can’t dodge a tackle.  So it’s hit or miss on Mr. Johnson.  Either 80 yard touchdowns, or he’ll run for -1 yards on 24 attempts.

Darren McFadden – Dallas Cowboys

Lasik.  Eye.  Surgery.  Heard of it?  Neither had Darren.  That’s why he couldn’t find the hole with the Raiders.  He couldn’t see.  Dude only has like 2 illegitimate children, because of his problems seeing the hole, the NFL average is 9.  Well that problem is no longer!

Lasik.  Eye.  Surgery.  Fixed all of that.  You know how many kids DMC has had since Lasik?  Like 30.  He is a whole new person.  That means, he gets behind that Dallas offensive and he will DESTROY.

Only negative he will get hurt by the fourth game.  STAY HEALTHY DMC!

Andre Williams – New York Giants

See above: McFadden, Darren.  But this ones actually, well, it’s real ha.

Peyton Hillis – Whereabouts Unknown

This guy was on freaking Madden.  You know what happens to people the year they are on Madden?  They suck!  Madden curse, it’s a well known fact.  But what happens the next year?  Or better yet…YEARS later?

Um they get awesome!  As soon as a team signs this guy, you’re getting the white Jerome Bettis.  Seriously!  He is going to explode.  And if you don’t believe me…well here’s all you need to see.

Wide Receivers

Eric Decker

Sleeper wide receiver of the year right here.  Eric Decker.  Rumor has it his wife will not be around during the season, she will be on tour…oh and this is his wife:

So that means one thing for Decker.  PENT UP FRUSTRATION.  And I doubt he will be cheating on Jessie James because he isn’t that stupid, so that means fantasy points by the dozens!

Ryan Fitzpatrick to Eric Decker will be like our new Kurt Warner to Ricky Proehl!  It’s happening!

Victor Cruz – New York Giants

Comeback stories, everybody loves those!  Well here is one.  Victor Cruz!  He has officially changed his dancing to conserve more energy so there will be less of this:

And more this:

See the difference!?

Jordy Nelson – Green Bay Packers

Blazing speed, great hands and a killer buzzcut, what’s not to love!?!?  Draft this guy now.  Do it!!!

Oh shit.  Moving along!

Kelvin Benjamin – Carolina Panthers

Talented 2nd year WR, great young quarterback.

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!  I guess it’s true this is a violent sport.

Mike Williams – Free Agent (take your pick which one)

Well since those two are out, how about these guys?  Do you remember either of these two?  No!?  Well neither does anyone in the NFL, you know what that means!?  POINTS!

Same name, same position, that equals CONFUSION!!!  So draft one in the 5th round ahead of C.J. Spiller and Martellus Bennett, you can thank me later newbs!

Tight End

Austin Sefarian-Jenkins – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This guy is locked and loaded, ready to roll.  And no, he’s not in on Jameis’s Ponzi scheme, he’s just getting information on it.  No you get this guy because he has three names.

If you have three names you are one of three people.

1. Presidential assassins.
2. Actors
3. A superhuman hybrid of a football player named AUSTIN SEFARIAN-JENKINS!

This guy is it, and if he doesn’t make it in the NFL, the WWE better get all up on this jock and stick him with Paul Heyman.

He is such a sleeper at tight end, I don’t even care about any other tight end in the entire league, so we’re just gonna move along here!

So that will do it for player recommendations.  I hope you all learned a valuable lesson today and use this knowledge to win your fantasy league, because it is seriously all luck….luck.  Andrew Luck.  Should you draft him!?

Nah.  But before I leave, here are some things to look for in the NFL season, some predictions if you will.

• Cris Carter’s fall guy will say he was actually giving that speech to the NFL rookies.
• Vikings fans will think Super Bowl by week 8…just you watch.
• Andy Dalton will get benched
• An NFL player will be suspended for something bad, release an apology, and do the same exact thing a week later.
• The Raiders will fire their coach and replace him with the coaching options on Madden ’16.
• Peyton Manning will get hurt, sadly.  He’s just so frail and old!
• Super Bowl half time show will be Taylor Swift.  But she has to wear pants.
• Actual breakout player this year: Ryan Tannehill.
• Rookie of the Year: Marcus Mariota
• MVP: Andrew Luck
• NFC winner, Seahawks (only because Jordy is out, that replacement referee for that Monday Night Game between these two ruined everything!!!)
• AFC winner, Colts.
• Super Bowl winner, all of us.  And Colts.  Then go retire Frank, please!!!!

Thanks for reading!