NFL Power Rankings

I’ve been doing my best not to write about the NFL, but I can wait no longer!  Now that we are almost at the halfway point of the season, I think it’s time to do a mid season power rankings blog.  It’s been quite the interesting year, and there’s a lot to discuss.

With that being said, the NFL has been truly annoying to me this year, so I may be cranky.  It might have to do with the fact that my fantasy football luck is nonexistent this year.  May also have to do with the fact that my favorite team, the San Francisco 49’ers, are the most idiotic franchise, seemingly blowing up a franchise that was set for years.  I can’t wait to write about that mess.

I’ll be doing a power ranking in reverse order, with a tiny write up on each team, who is the worst?!

32. Detroit Lions

This team shouldn’t be here.  It really shouldn’t.  Matthew Stafford.  Calvin Johnson.  A great supporting cast on offense (Eric Ebron, Ameer Abdullah, Golden Tate, Joique Bell).  How is this team possibly last in the power rankings!?  Oh yeah…

Jim Caldwell sucks.  Time to upgrade that coach Detroit.  Your offense looks miserable and Jim Bob (new OC) isn’t gonna fix it.  It doesn’t help that Stafford looks like shit, what happened to that guy!?

Also,  when your defense loses it’s best player (Ndumakong Suh) you’re gonna have a bad time.  Get a new coach, this time next year you should move up in these rankings, right!?

31. Tennessee Titans

This team is bland, so I’ll keep it short.  They will eventually be good, there’s a lot in place here.  Marcus Mariota looks like he could be alright.  Perhaps Dorial Green-Beckham realizes that he can be awesome (and hopefully doesn’t get arrested).  Defense isn’t completely awful.

The only thing that may be holding you back?  Probably your crappy coach as well.  Noticing a trend?  Ken Whisenhunt lucked in to Kurt Warner in Arizona, then ran them in to the ground.  The next person who coaches this will get a decent team next year.  Now how about moving them back to Houston, bringing the Oilers back and releasing some Warren Moon merch!?

SINCE WRITING THIS THEY IN FACE FIRED THEIR COACH, MAKING ME NOSTRA-KLEEMAN 

30. San Francisco 49’ers

I really hate my team right now.  It’s not even funny.  They can’t score.  They can’t stop anyone.  Colin Kaepernick looks scared out there.  Jim Tomsula is just an aloof dumbass.  What happened here!?  Oh yeah, this idiot.

I wish my family would give me a football team Jed York. It’s really saying something that you are possibly the worst owner in sports when Dan Snyder is around.  That’s impressive.

So I don’t know about you, but I generally like to do well in my job.  Say you’re job was to coach an NFL team and be highly successful, taking your team to 3 NFC Championship games in a row, with a Super Bowl wedged between there.  Then, in what ended up your final year, you took an injury ravaged team and still got them to 8-8?  What happens to you?  Oh you get told to pack your bags and leave.  Smart move guys.  Then you hire this idiot.

Now I genuinely think that Tomsula is a nice guy, but I don’t want my coach to be nice, nice guys rarely win, Dick Vermeil is the only one to come to mind.  You think Belichick is a nice guy!?  That dude is a dick and all he does is win Super Bowls.  I want my coach to be so afraid of losing, he acts like this:

So now what they got is an inept coach, with a real crappy staff (sorry Eric Mangini and Geep Chryst…GEEP!?).  Their quarterback looks like a deer in the headlights on the field, and the defense can’t stop anybody, because the GM that we all thought was amazing, constantly trades his high picks down, just so he can draft people that are ultimately failing or have real shitty names… yeah looking at you Jaquiski Tartt.

So what happens now?  They won’t do the smart thing, because they aren’t smart.  What should happen is the GM is fired, the coach is let go, they bring in a GM and a coach who are on the same page, and start over.  Blow it up, cuz it’s not working.

Also one last side note, I am a huge 49’ers fan.  In fact even wrote them (twice!) last year, trying to get some free swag for my wedding, I’m not gonna lie, it would’ve been cool, even just a key chain.  Did I get a response?  Nah.  They don’t care. Honestly not many franchises do.

I’m so loyal to them I will never leave them for another team (like I did with my MLB team, later blog for that one, bye Mariners, hello Cubs).  Hell I even flew out there to see them play in person this year, but they are REALLY testing my patience.  Now keep losing and get a top draft pick.  Just blow it up.  Idiots.

Oh you just traded Vernon Davis.  Step one.

29. Jacksonville Jaguars

How is this a team?  Seriously?  Why is this a thing?  When they came out in the 90’s, we thought they were cool, because their logo was awesome.  And Mark Brunell was a poor man’s Steve Young.  But now…now we are left with this shitty helmet.

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Looks like a college teams helmet.  Which Jacksonville basically is a college team.  They got Blake Bortles.  Allen Robinson. TJ Yeldon.  Marquise Lee.  All of whom two years ago were having their assistant coach by them booze.

This team should move to London, or, oh I don’t know…move them to Los Angeles so nobody has to move that actually deserves a franchise (San Diego, St. Louis, Oakland)!?  They will be completely average in a year or two, at best.  What a joke, I’m done covering them. Here is a picture of Blake Bortles wife to make up for that helmet.  She’s possibly just as shiny as the helmet.

28. Baltimore Ravens

Oh how the mighty have fallen!  I don’t care that they won the other day.  They lost to the 9’ers this season.  That’s pretty bad.  They also just lost their best receiver, who is old.  They also have an overpaid quarterback as their leader, but at least he loves Mcdonald’s.

Your team may have to rebuild now.  Which means your coach, the other Harbaugh, maybe leaving as well.  I’m bored with you Ravens…and still pissed about the Super Bowl loss.  Next.

27. Houston Texans

This team has one thing, and one thing only going for it.  J.J. Watt is the shit.  Seems like a cool dude.  If I knew my sister, I’d probably give the okay for him to date/marry/screw my sister.

As for the rest of the team?  The majority is dreadful.  DeAndre Hopkins is now a top 5 WR in football, so that’s nice, but who is throwing to him?  Pure garbage.  Also I drafted the Texans D in fantasy expecting a top defense.  Egg on my face.

Also Brian Cushing is a dick.  If you don’t believe me, go watch Hard Knocks.

Long live the Houston Oilers!

26. Chicago Bears

The majority of my friends like the Bears, and I don’t think they’ll disagree one bit that this team needs some work.  Cutler has improved this year, even though his views on vaccinations probably haven’t…ya idiot.

They had Matt Forte, til he got hurt, so there goes the trade bate.  Alshon Jeffery is pretty good.  Kevin White hopefully will be good next year (fantasy football purposes).

Perhaps the best part of this team are their coordinators, Adam Gase and my beloved Vic Fangio.  So this team won’t be in the cellar long, so until then, they can go back to talking about the ’85 Super Bowl…again….and again…

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This team could be freaking awesome this time next year.  Winston seems to be doing well as a quarterback, their offensive weapons (Seferian-Jenkins, Doug Martin, Mike Evans) are pretty good and the defense will improve.  The only two things I request of them.

Bring back the old school uniforms!  Am I the only person who liked them!?

Tar and feather Warren Sapp.  That guy’s an asshole.  Notice to police stations across the nation, copy and paste this picture, cuz you’ll be seeing it more I’m sure.

24. Cleveland Browns

I have a soft spot for the Browns, I really do, because they have been awful forever.  Then they move to Baltimore, become the Ravens, and they win two Super Bowl’s.  In between that they get their team back….and suck.

There isn’t even that much to say about the team.  You try really hard?  You are completely average?  Your best offensive player isn’t even playing right now because he likes drugs and drinking too much.

Three things are a given in your life: Death, Taxes, the Cleveland Browns sucking.

23. San Diego Chargers

Philip Rivers loves making babies.  That is a fact.  Look at that sex face of his.

Another fact, the Chargers are kinda meaningless.  They are possibly moving to Los Angeles.  They could’ve been awesome if they had just kept Drew Brees back in the day.  Now they are just a really nice place to play football, because no matter where you are in Southern California, the weather will be warm, and that’s nice I bet.  Oh, that and their uniforms are cool.

Hey Philly Rivs, your wife is ready to have a kid again, since you’ll be missing the playoffs.

22. Dallas Cowboys

How ’bout them Cowboys!?  Sexy Super Bowl pick the beginning of the year.  Now here we are.  They just released their running back Joseph Randle, who honestly should’ve been released last year.  Their quarterback can now be nicknamed Mr. Glass because he’s so fragile, and Dez Bryant is certifiably insane.

Oh and their defense has Rolando McClain and Greg Hardy.  By the time you finished reading that sentence, one of them got arrested, I guarantee it.  America’s team everybody!

Oh and because Cowboys fans used to be huge dicks in the 90s.

21. Washington Redskins

Ah the most racist team name, and up until Jed York showed up, the most inept, idiotic front office in sports.  Ladies and gentleman the Redskins!  You know who I feel bad for?  A former super star on the Redskins who is now basically a back up and is treated like crap by a piece of shit coach.  No not RGIII:

This guy, Alfred Morris:

Dude’s been a top running back for years, never got any money for it, no extension.  So what do they do?  Get two new running backs, put him in a time share, and make it so he won’t get nearly the money he deserved for basically having a car accident happen to his body 16 times a year for 3 years.

Also Dan Snyder is a bitch.  Jay Gruden is the least good looking of the Gruden brothers (that’s saying a lot), and I get the hubbub about the name, it’s a bad name, and they are missing a huge opportunity to rename them after the classic team Keanue Reeves movie The Replacements.

Come to think of it, this would be an awesome jersey to wear to a party I created…. (this is a test to see if two people are reading this blog, and I’m only kidding).

20. Kansas City Chiefs

Or as I liked to call them, when times were better for me, the junior 49’ers.  Alex Smith, I just wish they would’ve kept you man, everyone was wrong.  We were all wrong man.

The Chiefs defense is looking better, the offense has improved since Jamaal Charles went down.  They have a guy named Charcandrick, and that’s always fun.  The only negative is Andy Reid, while being a good coach, just can never understand how to work the clock.  But he does look like a human version of the Kool-Aid man, so it’s not all bad.

Except you’ll miss the playoffs again, so that parts bad.  How about those Royals though!?

19. Indianapolis Colts

The weirdest team on the list.  They should be awesome.  They were my preseason Super Bowl pick.  Andrew Luck as your quarterback.  Just added Frank Gore and Andre Johnson who had something left in the tank.  Or so we thought!

That picture there?  That’s the Colts season.  They are the best team in the worst division.  Sure they will make the playoffs at 6-10 or 7-9, but they are going to get destroyed by whoever they play.

With that being said, you have a top quarterback forever, maybe fire your GM, get rid of all those old players.  Oh and hide the pills from you owner who seems like an awful person.

18. Buffalo Bills

The highlight of this team is that you’ve lost 4 Super Bowl’s in a row.  There’s not much else that’s positive.  Your head coach is an asshole, foot fetishist.  Your star running back claims racism at the drop of a hat because he got traded, and your quarterback is non existent.  I’m sorry Brett Riggs!

Positives, you got Sammy Watkins, the defense is awesome.  Now if you can just dust off Jim Kelly you’ll be set to lose another Super Bowl.

17. Philadelphia Eagles

This team is freaking weird.  They unloaded a pretty talented team, to become…I’m not sure what.  They downgraded at running back to get two overrated running backs (DeMarco Murray and Ryan Mathews).  They got rid of two above average WR’s to have Jordan Matthews and Miles Austin’s corpse.  And Sam Bradford.

End result will be ol’ Chip Kelly going back to college to destroy and some poor, poor soul to come fix this mess.  I hope it’s Ray Rhodes!

16. Miami Dolphins

At the halfway mark, and here we are, still with sub-par teams.  Two of my best friends are Dolphins fans, and you gotta feel for them.  This was supposed to be the year they overtook the evil Patriots!  Ryan Tannehill was supposed to annihilate! They have 35 WR’s that are awesome!  Lamar MIller!  Donkey Kong Suh!!!!  You’re team is in Miami!!!!!

Instead what you got was a fired coach.  An overpayed Donkey Kong Suh.  And an offense that is bipolar.  At least your team is in Miami!  It’s warm there!  And Fergie is your owner.  Just keeps getting better right!?

Some upside, maybe Tannehill gets better.  Maybe Dan Campbell is a great coach.  And you guys had Dan Marino!  You always seem to remind people of that!

And who can forget Ryan Tannehill’s wife!?

The Dolphins everybody!

15. New York Giants

The most bland team of the hierarchy of the NFL.  Their jerseys are boring.  Their helmet logo sucks.  Eli is only interesting when he’s in commercials.  But at least you got ODB.  Now if you can get rid of your frightening coach!

Should probably win the division here.  With the Cowboys sucking.  The Eagles being the Eagles.  And Dan Snyder is bound to mess something up. So enjoy losing in the playoffs to a far superior team.

14. Oakland Raiders

JEFF KLEEMAN’S SLEEPER TEAM OF THE YEAR!!!!  Yeah!  I know what I’m talking about sometimes!  Derek Carr!  Amari Cooper!  Michael Crabtree actually trying!  It’s kind of like when the 9’ers got good again.  A lot to be excited about here. Who has two thumbs and is excited about his team?  This guy is.

Great defense, possible playoffs this year, and not much else.  On a related note, my other surprise team was the Jags… win some, you lose some.  Sometimes you threesome.

13. New Orleans Saints

How about this return from the dead!?  They were done a few weeks ago.  Rumors of trading Brees.  And now look.  A nice little win streak and the biggest fantasy football scoring day any of us have ever seen (depending on your league, at the least over 60 points).  Now just get the rock to CJ Spiller more and we’re in business Brees.

Unfortunately, if you make it to the playoffs, you will lose…and you will lose bad.  Also your coach is kind of a dick (common trait, must be on every job application “Check yes or no if you are a dick”…Harbaugh checked yes, so it’s a coach thing)

Oh and don’t think I’m not still bitter about the 9ers loss to the Saints…faker.

12. St. Louis Rams

I’ve been fearing this team for years.  Unfortunately I thought it would be a 50-50 split each year, now, not so much.  Really the only weak link is their weird looking quarterback.

The rest of the team is insane.  The defense is scary.  Todd Gurley is going to be incredible if he stays healthy.  Now try not to screw St. Louis over and move this awesome team to Los Angeles you greedy bastards.

Who am I kidding, the NFL doesn’t care about their fans!  Silly me, off to Los Angeles you go…again.

11. Minnesota Vikings

Well he were are.  Vikings fans.  They like to think of themselves as the lovable losers of the NFL, which is true, them and the Bills easily have that crown.  The Cubs of football if you will.  The only difference is the rest of the nation does not share that sentiment.

Now this is gonna be a touchy subject, Vikings fans make up a large majority of my friends, but your fan base is truly awful when you win. Every time your team wins, you’re going to the Super Bowl.  Every time you lose, “aww man I knew it!  We’re gonna suck this year!” Make up your god damn mind Vikings fans.

True story, I was at the famous Brett Favre game, when he threw a game winning touchdown against the 49’ers.  Now it’s funny because I get a lot of crap about the 9ers having truly evil fans.  I went to the bathroom and there were Vikings fans kicking a man who was possibly mentally challenged while he was peeing, solely because he liked the 9ers.  These same fans 2 seconds before Favre’s pass, patted me on the shoulder saying “good game”.  Following the touchdown pass I got “WE’RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!”  So here’s a gif for you to celebrate that victory.

Psych.

Your team is good though.  Decent quarterback, really good running back who is nearing the end in AP (thankfully he can have time to make more kids to not be a part of their life…or beat them, either or), and the defense is really good.  Plus I do like Mike Zimmer.  He seems awesome.

Possible playoff team this year, definitely will give the Packers a tough time for the next few years.  I really, honestly want this team to win a Super Bowl some day for my friends and family, but I fear the rest of your fan base when this happens.

10. New York Jets

The most surprising team on the top 10 this year.  The defense is legit.  Chris Ivory and Marshawn Lynch must have switched bodies.  And Brandon Marshall is on his meds.  So nice job Jets!  Now about getting a quarterback?  Geno isn’t doing it.  Oh, I got it!

Playoff team this year, hopefully, along with the Dolphins or Bills, will unseat the evil Patriots some day.  Hopefully they can pull a shocker this year.  We shall see.

9. Pittsburgh Steelers

This team should be better.  They got f’d when Big Ben went down.  And now that Laveon is hurt as well, it’s not looking too good for this year.  Their WR group is phenomenal, they just need their defense to be as good as it’s been.  Also they need to get rid of those ugly ass throwbacks they wear once a year.

Those are grosser than the rumors I’ve heard about Big Ben’s dick.

8. Seattle Seahawks

I hate this team with every bone in my body.  I despise Russell Wilson, I think he’s a fake piece of shit.  No way this juice you drinks clears your concussions Russell, you forgot to science that day Russell…go back to school…go science.  You also date Ciera who has been in more rappers than a Hershey’s Bar.  You have no wide receivers of note.  You ruined Jimmy Graham and your offensive line sucks.  I also hate your coach and his 9/11 conspiracies.

That being said, this team is on the way back.  They are well run, besides their god awful Graham trade that destroyed their line.  They’ll be back in the playoffs and be the “team everyone fears”.  Just in time for the Packers to get their revenge.

Oh and here’s a picture showing you how much a tool Wilson is.  I hate you.

7. Atlanta Falcons

Only this high because of their record.  They have the best WR in football in Julio Jones.  They have the most disgruntled WR in football in Roddy White.  The defense has turned it around and Dan Quinn is a pretty decent coach.  Still doesn’t make up for that awful dance Jamal Anderson did years ago though.

Also now this would be like an 80 yard penalty and they’d take your firstborn.  That’s how awful the NFL is now with celebrations.  No matter how lame.

6. Arizona Cardinals

I hope this team wins one someday.  May as well be now since my team is out.  They used to be stoked when they went 9-7, now they are consistently a playoff team.  It’s nuts.  Carson Palmer should be checked for horse steroids.  Whoever shot Chris Johnson must’ve done him a favor.  And have we talked about them actually having a decent defense?  What is this!?

Unfortunately they bore me so I have no pics or gifs, so here’s a random cardinal.

5. Carolina Panthers

Undefeated.  How!?  They have no wide receivers.  They have crappy running backs.  All they have is Cam and Greg Olsen. That and a terrific defense, and a coach who doesn’t suck anymore.  Great job Riverboat Ron!

Before you get all pissed they are behind a team with 1 loss, remember this Panthers fans, and remember this well…. your team will get killed by the Packers in the playoffs.  If you get a receiver worth a shit in the offseason, maybe you can be important to Charlotte than NASCAR racing and the 1992-93 Charlotte Hornets.

4. Green Bay Packers

They lost Sunday.  They looked like shit.  Really.  It was weird.  Because the team is so good.  Eddie Lacy needs to remember he’s good.  The defense couldn’t stop a crappy Broncos running attack.

Maybe it’s one of those losses they need to realize that they are really good.  They are also my Super Bowl pick and for the love of god, can you get more Davante Adams photos of the following please?!

And Aaron Rodgers, you win the award for coolest girlfriend/wife/WAG if you will.  The 1st Annual Olivia Munn award goes to… Olivia Munn!

3. Cincinnati Bengals

Another team I’m rooting for this year.  All because every year Andy Dalton loses a playoff game, then all these assholes who get paid to talk football on TV talk about “Can Andy Dalton win the big one”?  Then all the idiot fans go “Yeah Dalton sucks!  Get rid of him!”  The same Andy Dalton that got you to the playoffs the past few years.  Show some respect idiot fans.  Remember when your best player was Carl Pickens!?

Exactly, so sit down and wait for them to win a game, sometimes it takes time.  Plus I like AJ Green as a person.  And Marvin Jones.  And Pacman Jones seems like he’s a better person in society, right!?

Oooof, maybe not.

2. Denver Broncos

The best defense in football.  In Denver!?  Whaaaaat!?  They are crazy good.  The WR group is amazing.  They just got VD, which is curable.  Oh…Vernon Davis?  Not bad, better than actual VD.  Now fix the running game and hope your quarterback makes it to the end of the season looking fresher than last year.

So Peyton Manning.  The sheriff!  It’s your last year Peyton, you may not believe it yourself, but you’re done.  Be done after this year.  It’s getting painful to watch.  With that being said.  I wouldn’t mind if you won just one more Super Bowl.  So if this is it, go do that, just sucks you gotta go through the next team to get there.

1 New England Patriots

America’s Least Favorite team.  If you’re a Patriots fan I’ll give you some props before I get in to it.  Your team is insanely good.  Your quarterback is old as hell and can probably still go the 5-10 more years he wants to play.  Must be taking Gisele’s aging pills.  I like Gronk.  I really do, he’s awesome.  And your defense hasn’t missed a beat, even with the defections in the post season.  With that being said…

Your team is pure evil.  Your fans are awful.  They are those fans with the us against the world mentality.  But they completely forget that the “us” part, meaning the team, could really care less about the fans.  If you go in a sports convo online, even if it’s not about the Pats, or Brady, or Belichick, some Pats fan will write their two cents in about the Patriots.  I was reading fans thoughts on Blaine Gabbert being promoted over Kaepernick and saw a Pats fan type  “Brady’s the GOAT!”

It’s those kinds of idiots that are making me hate football even more so than usual this year.  It’s social media’s fault.

And I’ll leave you with this.  They cheat.  And their fans get mad when you bring it up, but they did, they probably still do. Watching the game the other night, I’m not even a Dolphins fan, but it seemed like they knew every single play that was coming.  It was weird.  They can’t be this much better than the entire NFL.

They taped practices, balls were deflated.  They got a fine, lost some draft picks, and Tom Brady was suspended.  But the fine is nothing to them, the draft picks lost don’t really matter and Tom Brady appealed the suspension and won.

They didn’t learn their lesson, nothing happened out of them cheating, and the common person will see that and think they can cheat and get away with things by whining as well.  It’s truly the worst part of society now, a lot of entitled people do what they want, no consequence, but that’s for a later blog.

The Patriots are your number 1 team this year, they will more than likely win the Super Bowl as well, surpassing the imaginary “all time dynasty rankings”.  They’ll firmly move in to 3rd behind the Cowboys and Steelers.  Who will they surpass?  Why the 49’ers of course.  Worst.  Football.  Year.  Ever.